Feeling time-poor lately. I wish there were two of me to accomplish all the things I want to get done!
I have so many projects and interests running through my head. Am I mad? Or just constantly creatively stimulated?
Work is absorbing. I work 7 shifts in a 14 day cycle. Currently I am working all day shifts, so that means I have no time at home during the day. Days in which to daydream ... not enough.
I see that in print and it looks wussy and whiny. I don't have 5 children to bring up, I have a comfortable home and resources to spare. I don't live in a famine or war torn country. I have a supportive husband who loves me, and whom I value more each day.
I like being absorbed by work. I love practising and thinking about midwifery, and plan to do a LOT more of it, for the next 20 years! Midwifery is a meeting of my heart, intellect, experience and soul. It enriches me immensely and I feel like my inside matches my outside. Its all good.
Yet what I put on hold to study and become this fulfilled midwife was my stay-at-home, free to create-while-kids-were-at-school self. What I mean is that my artistic, creative life is feeling cramped.
Since I finished studying and started working I feel like I never have any time to 'myself' any more. I suppose it has coincided with my children finishing high school and not being out of the house at regular times daily. If I think about it, it is probably the kind of stress that working people, especially Dads, have felt forever. Sigh. Welcome to the real world Laura.
I have kidded myself that the good thing about fabric is that it is non-perishable. I can build my stash and pick it (craft/sewing) up again at any time. But I never seem to have a time when I can get a good run at it without feeling like a. someone else needing my attention, b. someone else needing the room I am using, c. selfish for ignoring all other demands and just doing what I want, d. guilty for having all that stuff and not using it thoroughly enough, e. overwhelmed about which project to start / finish first! So I don't do as much as I would like to do in the time available, which leaves me feeling guilty and frustrated, and almost panicky for some reason.
Do I feel like this because of some inner sense of impending mortality? I know some people who have died young lately, and I just have a sense that I may not make old bones (for lots of reasons). Sounds morbid and/or strange I suppose, but I feel that I have so many things left to finish. Remember that old joke "My to-do list is so long that I can never die!"
I am also daunted/getting hassled (and wouldn't know where to begin to sort it) about the clutter caused by my stash. I am a pack rat. I hate people moving my stuff. HATE IT. Feel very threatened by it. But if I died tomorrow - boy would it be a pain in the ass to clear up my stuff! And as much as my husband would cheer if I (meaning me, myself and I) were to clear it up tomorrow, it would be a dreadfully painful task for him to do it without me, plus he wouldn't know what it was, where, or to whom, I wanted half the stuff to be distributed.
However I am quite capable of ignoring the mess and creating within it. Quite lovely things really. That bring me joy to plan, select materials for, cut out, make and finish to a high standard.
I feel time-poor because I want time to play, create and just DO some craft stuff. When I'm not tired, so I can see well. When I'm not tempted to just snuggle up with my favourite squeeze. Without having to set the task aside. Without eating if I don't feel like stopping for it. Without stopping to answer the phone, or even pee! Without being obliged to anyone. I like it to work out. I hate leaving a project abandoned in the middle cos I get stuck. I will adapt and think my way through a project wherever possible. But I need the time.
I am working for the next few weekends, including Mother's Day. Then I somehow have a week where I am rostered off. Just all my shifts smooshed up at the beginning and end of the cycle, including a 6-day straight stretch. I may be a blithering idiot by the end of it! But at least I will have time to recuperate. Hmmm......
What will I make first? A drop-dead list with instructions for my stash distribution? Or another bag.....?