Thursday, November 22, 2007

The Gods know my address

Today's question is - why do the Gods know my address?

You know the cliches.
'Some people have one of those days, I have one of those lives!' Or
'I try to take one day at a time but lately several days have hit me at once'

I seem to be in one of those phases at the moment, which if I think about it is the first time in months (if not years) that I have been so. Hmm, that's an improvement I suppose. And only one of the current crises actually involves ME personally, but the others are very closely related.

Its a little tricky to explain all the ins and outs, but I am in a period of therapy currently and feeling pretty destabilised, bleak, depressed and very anxious. Not my usual sparkly self at all. And I am really falling back on my 'in sickness and in health, for better or worse' guy. This is hard. But I really want to trust him with this and so far he is doing ok with it. A bit freaked out by it, but hanging in, and being a bit of a rock really. Phew. (Thanks hon) I am really NOT used to being needy and clingy, but I am completely wanting to be joined at the hip with him at the moment and needing lots of hugs and reassurance. Its hard. Capital H. And I want it to be better NOW, and it can't come fast enough or reassuring enough, so I am sub-panic alot of the time. Pretty yukky feeling. So not me. But clearly me inside (long story). Anyway...during this last month I have been stickin pretty close to home what with feeling so wobbly and all, and then I got a nasty virus that laid me low too. Cue violins. I am back at work now but still taking medications to help with the panic (its working).

SO late Tuesday night my youngest sisterH rings me and tells me that she is in hospital with her eldest (T=16) as she has fallen from the back of a slow moving car (driven by sis) and got a fractured skull, a subdural haematoma and bruising to the brain. Clunk. Oh crap. Poor sis. T is transferred overnight to the major tertiary hospital for neurology care and assessment. She is conscious and able to move her limbs and speak, but .... oh God, it is sickening. So we rally around and bring food and clothes and practical stuff, and take turns with her as she has a 14 y.o. and 11 y.o. twins as well and an iffy husband. T is improving. And then she calls me in late afternoon (24hrs post accident) and says the police have just been on the phone and it is her 14 y.o. son - he has been involved in a bike vs car accident and is being taken to the children's hospital. Husband had just left the adult hospital after seeing daughter, and was then diverted to meet the eldest son (LP). Holy crap. LP has sustained deep cuts to one knee and various scrapes and bruises but was able to go home that night after a few hours. The twins were with him at the time of the accident, and were taken home to a neighbour while parents were in two different hospitals.

Poor family, poor kids, poor parents, poor twins who witnessed both accidents. How much is enough. My sister is being pulled in all directions. Our Mum stayed overnight with the 16y.o. in hospital while sis went home for a sleep (/fight with husband) I took the morning shift while she dealt with school crap for twins and took LP to Mum's for the day, then to hospital and now Mum is hassling for H to sleep at home tonight because the other kids need her. Mum is calling me to 'talk H into staying home' . H is refusing because the only place she feels she can stay sane is by the bed of the one with a head injury and getting the news directly (and i can see where she is coming from), the other kids need to see T to reassure themselves she is OK (she should be) and their Dad needs to suck it up and get it together.

In the meantime, I can help with very little of this because I am fairly depleted at the moment, and most of it is long-standing dysfunction involving many 'adults' who make their own choices about how to behave towards each other.

So you see what I mean? The depression bit is mine, but the timing of all the other crap that I am also very concerned about is a strain. And will be resolved with time. By (mostly) others. But it is a pretty crap period to be in the middle of. My family don't know about my current depressed state, and I don't plan to tell them because it would be construed as copping out or as one-upmanship, but it is very hard to maintain boundaries for self-preservation when events like this intervene.

By the way... I have 2 other sisters, one in another state who would be very helpful and is distressed at not being here, and another one here who has divorced Mum and has little to do with the other two. She has been informed of the double H/T/LP crisis, but not mine, as she too has partner hassles at the moment and is feeling underloved as well.

Sigh, is this the modern disease? There seems to be alot of it around. Anyway - I wish the Gods would lose my address and stop visiting troubles upon us, but then I s'pose the good things couldn't be delivered either if that were the case. . . .

C'mon good things...c'mon good things...Yesterday my husband came home with flowers and choccies and hugs cos he picked up that I was feeling wobbly. Is he doing good or what?

On a good, comforting note I have made and am about to post the Ultimate Purple Bag to its new owner, Melissa, in Colorado. Bless your heart Melissa, it has been a great pleasure to make a bag for you through all this hassle. My first customer. I have also received many expressions of interest in my midwifery pouches and plan to make a pile of them for sale at work. Even my clients have commented on us wearing them (3 of us in a row have cared for the same women who noted the bags).

I am also wearing a heart related brooch or badge daily to remind myself I am loved and loveable, and trying very hard to keep a even keel. But it is difficult. Even blogging seems risky in opening the door to tears, but I am inspired by the women whose blogs I read and who use blogging to connect and de-isolate themselves, and so i, too, hope to be. Ups and downs are a common experience and ANY tool to externalise it and stop it eating us up has got to help. This is our community, and community shares. I don't want to LOAD anyone, just get some of it off my chest. Besides I only have a couple of readers (I think).

So I have set up the blank etsy shop too (in my spare time) and although it is currently empty I plan to make a small selection of luscious goodies for some fun on the side.

Wish me luck.


Lesley (El Zed) said...

Laura: an extra-big hug is coming across the Pacific and the whole continent of Australia. Just for you.
Hang in there, my good mate. I'll ring once all this Thanksgiving hullabaloo is over. Love from Les XXX

Karen said...

Oh Laura, I don't know what to say except that I hear you and wish you all the best. You are clever and talented but I also know that doesn't necessarily protect one from emotional troubles. You seem to be absolutely on the right track though for dealing with it all - separating out other people's troubles, and getting the right kind of help from your husband, and the meds too (I include chocolate in that category!). My mobile is 0403 630 463 and I am available for a cup of tea at any time - I can listen, converse, or just read so you don't have to sit by yourself. (I know you have heaps of closer friends, but if they don't fit the bill...)
Love, Karen.